Saturday, July 4, 2009
Christmas In July..?
Above is what I should have worn for the 4th of July festivities. Its red, white and blue. It has the chic nautical feel. Cute, right? (BTW, I threw that together on my new favorite site!) Now, I dont have Chanel earings...or a $2,000 Balenciaga bag.. but..you know, something like that.
Unfortunately, the picture below is closer to what I actually wore:
I'm sure people who saw me had questions. Why are you wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt in July? Why are you carrying a brown bag that doesn't match? Aren't you hot? Why do you look so pissed off? Good Questions. I will answer them.
I used to like July 4th a lot. Actually, I got engaged on the 4th of July. Then we ended up calling off the wedding shortly before it happened. It was awful. Obviously. That is one of the reasons everything has changed recently and I know I'm not in Kansas anymore.
Anyway, so now this holiday has some very tough memories. I haven't seen him in a long time, but there is only 1 big fireworks display in our town. I always go, and so does he. We always went together. This year, I knew he would be there with "her". Yes, she was the other woman, and yes, she is now his girlfriend. I was absolutely dreading running into them. I know it's going to happen eventually, and I thought today might be it. I mean I was DREADING..I was terrified of it. It's crazy to me how one person can evoke such paralyzing fear, even after the time that has passed.
So, I laid around the house all day thinking about how I was going to wear something super cute, do my hair, put on make up and generally look cute and act happy just in case I did see them. The problem was that I couldn't get the motivation to make any of this happen. About an hour before we had to leave I had a crying fit, threw some stuff around and was so emotionally exhausted that I no longer cared what I wore. And I suddenly felt the need to feel safe and protected, so I put on sweats..comfort clothes. It was supposed to be part comfort, part F-you-I-dont-care-if-I-see-you. So that's how winter clothes happened in July. And something you should know about me, I hate, hate, hate being improperly dressed for something. I was definitely improperly dressed among the summery, festive clothes. I was just too out of my mind at the time to care.
See answer to question 1....screaming. crying. throwing. exhaustion.
I am very hot. .
I look pissed off because I was hot, I looked like an idiot and I scared my dad with my mega tantrum. Then I didn't even see him. Freaked out for nothing and let the thought of someone else control and ruin my day.
These things are happening less and less (thank God I didn't have a blog around Christmas, who knows what I would have written) but they are still so hard. You know how people say that it takes 1/2 as long as you were with someone to fully get over them...I really hope that isn't true, because I would still have a long time to go.